I cannot be all things to all people...

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength" Phil. 4:13

So, maybe it's just me...but since I was very young it has been my desire to make things good in people's lives. I was the happy one, the helpful one, the never have a bad day one so that you could cry on my shoulder and I could help you one....
Then High School came...and wow...Drama, guys and girl issues came...teen issues swelled all around me...and that cheerful dimeanor intensified...now I was a professing, born again Christian...so I HAD To be all things to all people...
For a while it worked...but then I would crash...tired, wasted, emotionally spent...becauase I had taken in everyone's pain, burden's, frustrations, etc...you name it, I took it to help them, to love them, to lighten their load...because that is what a Christian is supposed to do.....right?
Then College...CRASH! God brought into my life these "Christians" and just like I warn, caution, plead with my teen each year as I send them off to college...to watch and pray...because just because you think you are standing on solid ground in high school....does not mean college has the same ground...you are walking into sinking sand of all sorts...even in Christian college's...there is no safe place...
So, even though I didn't give into the "worlds" temptations that college life has to offer, partying etc...my spiritual life diffused...even though I went Cru...my heart was not in it...because sadly..I met these "christians" in Cru...and slowly drifted away...
My mindset became more and more like theirs...self absorbed...it was like I morphed into a different person...not a "bad" person...but someone I would look at and ask myself..."Who are you?" "Why are you becoming this?" "For who?" "For what?" My answer..."well they are Christians"
After a year...God woke me up...and set me free from that selfish mind set...
I have often told people that when I turned 30, it was the worst year and the best year of my life.
Worst...because God brought me to a place of complete and absolute dependance on Him and Him alone. He stripped everything I held dear to me...even my beloved husband could reach the pain I felt inside me...only my Jesus could...and after 4 long years of wrestling and struggling with Lord...His freedom gave way...and sent us on to a new mission in life...Cavalier...
I love it here...I love all the people I am able to engage with everyday...
Recently there has been much spiritual warfare I have been dealing with...I have been watchful and victorious...and I see things come my way...God has kept me alert and ready...
But as I settled into the victories...well...I settled in...and whenever we settle for anything...we begin to settle...and we begin to lose focus...
Which is what has happened to me these last 2 weeks...and today it all came to a head...
Oh Jesus...WHY!! WHY DO I DO THIS!!! Why do I let life take me away from your amazing place of safety and protection? What could possibly ever be as satisfying as You...I have allowed every kind of busyness to steal my joy...
Forgive me Father...forgive me...I am tired and weary...and I need Your refuge, Your peace, Your shelter...Your arms wrapped around me again...my love for you is so sweet and overwhelming...Oh God the ache of Your heart for the people that surround me here is too much at times...help me to know that is not me who can be all things for them...but that as I walk with you...not running ahead of you...but along side you...is when we can do the greatest things in others lives and in mine...
For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength if I follow your lead...and not try to be You...that...is....just too tiring for any human to carry...
Thank you Lord for listening and forgiving me...